Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times

I've been really struggling recently to find inspiration for these blog posts. I've been stuck around the house or have wandered around areas I have walked through so many times; my ideas are running completely dry. Additionally, as you know, there is a lot going on in my life right now. Things are getting worse at home, and the worse they get the harder I try to keep smiling, which means my mind is completely filled with the words of a wonderful friend of mine who told me that no matter how things get i'm still allowed to smile. So i'll keep smiling, i'll keep writing, i'll stay strong.

Today I will have to apologise to you as I really am running dry on ideas. Some lovely people have sent me recommendations but I've tried writing them all and as soon as I get to around a paragraph, I delete the entire thing in frustration. Nothing sounds right any more. It's as if as my heart is breaking, my ability to write is breaking too. Sentences disintegrate into lone letters which crawl weakly back to their places on the keyboard.

Without my ability to write, I have nothing. I am empty.

Today, due to my horribly mixed emotions right now which mean that tears are almost constantly running down my face either out of joy or out of sorrow, I want to tell you, my dear reader, one thing which makes me sad and one which makes me happy. Perhaps you may share the emotions I have, and can relate to this, or maybe you will read this with a blank expression and move on with your life. Either way, I will be able to look back at this post when I feel like smiling or crying and be able to do either.


Happy.

Watching people makes me happy. I love to watch people. I love to sit somewhere busy, on board a train or a tube is usually best. Somewhere where I am engulfed in clouds of other people's thoughts and can almost taste them on my tongue. Someone sat opposite me is wondering whether they should have hot or cold custard with their apple pie, and I can taste the apple pie they are imagining, sweet and cinnamon-y, tickling my taste buds. I love to watch people smile, especially when they don't realise they are doing it.

Sometimes someone's lips will curl upwards, their eyes watching the scenery roll past the window will haze over in thought, and I wonder what they are thinking of. A lover who they will open the door to and fold into their arms and hold close as they breathe in the smell of home? A book they have recently completed and are still floating in the depths of the world it contains, never wanting to leave? Whatever it is, I love to see that unexpected, accidental smile. Perhaps I am the only person who ever witnesses that moment in which the person is inexplicably happy? It's beautiful.

Sad.

I wanted to write what makes me sad here but I then realised that what makes me sad is what makes everyone sad. Losing someone, seeing people you love upset. Things which make people sad are usually similar, it's what makes you happy which makes you unique. Therefore, i'm only going to highlight what makes me happy, and hope that you already understand what makes me sad and that you don't ever have to feel that way. 

I'm shattered and my writing is no longer making any sense so i'm going off to bed. I hope you sleep incredibly well.

Ayesha x