Day Four

I went to start with my usual greeting, but realised at quarter to ten at night I could no longer use 'good evening' and 'good night' sounds like i'm sending you off to brush your teeth get into your pajamas. I think a boring old 'hello' will have to suffice. Then again, 'hello' isn't boring. It's actually rather beautiful. I won't go off on that tangent now but I would love to in some blog post in the future.

I apologise greatly for how short and sweet today's post will be; my inspiration is trapped in the corners of my mind under dusty piles of worries, memories and lyrics that won't stop floating to the surface and forcing their way out of my brain, along my nerves and straight to my mouth. I also apologise if you happen to ever walk past my house whilst i'm in the shower, that's usually when escapee lyrics crawl through the window and invade the ears of my poor neighbours. 

Today wasn't a particularly interesting day, and therefore I have nothing much to tell you. I do, however, want to use this moment in which I have hopefully grasped your attention to direct you towards a quote from Doctor Who which I just rediscovered and it made me smile and think and wonder.

"I love old things, they make me feel sad."

"What's good about sad?"

"It's happy for deep people."

Beautiful, just beautiful. Yet, there is more than beauty to that final phrase. Sad is "happy for deep people". At first I thought I understood that, but now I take a second glance at it I am unsure. Does she (Sally Sparrow - the character) mean that deep people look beyond sadness? I think there is more to it than that. I think she means that sadness contains so much joy. Something which upsets me deeply is losing someone I love. I know that upsets everyone, and obviously effects me horribly too. How could that be happy? Don't you ever just realise how much you love someone, how completely and utterly you care for them, because you know you're going to lose them, or because you do?

That pain, that dreadful stab in your heart which dissipates through your veins until the pain becomes your entire existence, is what you feel when you lose someone. However as this happens, your brain sparkles with memories of them, separate to your heart. It burns brightly with joy and you think of everything you ever loved about that person. Their smiles, their laughter, the way they would turn around as you called their name and give you a look which was so completely them.

"It's happy for deep people."

I guess that she meant 'deep people' were those who would, whilst allowing their heart to destroy them with sadness and pain and grief, search for the joy behind it all, dormant in your brain but ready to burst at one look in its direction. I ask you all, please, become these so called 'deep people' and search for the beauty and the reasons to smile in times which are difficult.

Mentioning smiles, I realise I have not told you of any of my true smiles since the first post on this blog. I believe I found mine yesterday, but it was related to being around some of my most favourite people in the world. Today, my true smile was focused on my younger sister. She's turning thirteen tomorrow and at one point today we were strolling around a park together and breathing in the sweet, hot air, tasting almost like honey due to the vast amount of pollen floating around. 

She turned to me and smiled and in that moment I realised how much she had grown and how much I missed being alone with her. She gave me her true smile today, and I decided to return it. Of all the people I know, she's one of the only ones who deserves my true smile. She has been beside me from the moment she was born, accepting my hand-me-downs with open arms, singing with me on long car journeys, holding my hand when I need her the most. She deserves a true smile from me, and from everyone, as she seems to hand them out so freely and should receive some in return.

I just noticed i've wasted an entire blog post (and a lot of your time) waffling on about one quote which I happened to reblog on tumblr but which engulfed me in thought. I want to apologise once more but I have a feeling you're getting tired of my apologies. I said that this post would be short and sweet but it was anything but. Oh dear.

I'll leave you to actually change into your pajamas, brush your teeth and get a good night's sleep. Therefore, I bid you good night.

Ayesha x